I haven't blogged in too long. I guess there's no particular reason why, except that I haven't had much inspiration lately. However, that changed today as I was digging through my closet getting rid of old clothes. So you could say my closet has given me inspiration! How, you wonder?
Well you see, buried in my closet is a gift bag. I know it sounds strange, but I've had this bag for ten years. Most of the time I forget it's there, and don't even think about it, but it turns up when I'm digging through my closet. Like today. And then, I remember. I remember many things that this particular bag has a way of bringing up. In this bag I keep old letters and pictures from years and years and years ago; some from old friends, and a few from my dad who passed away twelve years ago. I can't help but read them every time, and usually I will sit and cry for an hour while going through everything. But today was different. As I was remembering the past, I couldn't help but think about today. What my life is now and how everyone in my past, whether still in my life or not, God used in some way to put me where I am today.
When I was a little girl, I absolutely loved animals. I was so in love with animals, and had a very soft spot in my heart for them. My dad didn't share the same love that I had with them, and I remember writing him a letter telling him that he was cruel for not letting me keep some abandoned kitten. I didn't understand why he was like that. He wrote a letter back to me that, after fifteen years or so, and me having kids and getting married, I truly understand now, and I appreciate what he was trying to get across to me at that young age. He said that he liked animals, but he loved his fellow human beings more, and so many people, if they see a hurt or abandoned animal, will go out of their way to comfort and feed it, and take it in. But those same people, upon seeing someone who is down on their luck or homeless, will take no thought or action in helping that person. I didn't understand when he wrote that so many years ago, but today, my passion is serving the less fortunate and showing compassion to the underdog and the weak. Little did I think that his words would have such a huge impact on me, and now, although I had some bitterness in my heart toward him, I can see that he was a compassionate man (in his own way)...and he wanted me to share that compassion with others and not just a cute, cuddly kitten.
When I was sixteen, I met and fell in love with a boy. He was my first love, and we wrote so many letters back and forth to each other. I didn't keep them all, but I did keep a few and they are some that are kept in my gift bag. Today, I laughed to myself while reading a couple of them, because at sixteen, you are so young and naive, yet you don't think so. I thought the future was ours. We were talking about getting married after high school, having a family together, and never letting each other go. How different life turns out. I keep a picture of us from our Sadie Hawkins and a couple from our winter formal, and I sigh when I look at them just because if I could stay young and naive like that forever, I would now. I think about Hallah and, even though she is only two years old right now, I want to be able to teach her to guard her heart closely, to live life to the fullest, and if she does fall in love with a boy at sixteen, to realize that years change things and people don't stay the same. I don't regret being young and having a boyfriend, and I look back at that time with happiness. I learned so much from him, but thankfully my mom was always there to keep my head (and heart) on right so I wouldn't get myself in too deep although I sometimes did anyway. I will be able to share my experiences with Hallah when she gets there, and hopefully she will be able to learn from my past.
Fast forward to six years ago. I met another boy and this one broke my heart. The letters I kept to remind me that good does come from bad situations. We were two young adults with differing moral values. On again, off again love-hate relationship I guess you could say. I knew who I was, he didn't. I was so sure about life, and he was so unsure. It was a match not made in heaven for sure. But, I gave him my heart. In the end, it didn't work out, but something else did. If not for him, Nathan would never have called me, and we would have never fallen in love. I wouldn't experience some of the joys that my husband has given me, or some of the mistakes that have made me appreciate life and him so much more. When we have our rough times, I try to remember the days we were talking on the phone and I realized that he was my other half. After getting my heart broken, he was an angel to me. So, I read those letters today and half smiled because I am now living in the bigger picture.
Nope, there were no tears today. My life is what it is, and I am enjoying it. Yeah, marriage gets hard and we have to work at it. Yeah, it still hurts sometimes that I'm not able to talk to my dad and have some closure with him. Sometimes I do want to go back to being young and innocent, but there are more times now, that I stop for a second amidst the screaming baby, my crazy two year old, the obnoxious dogs, and my needy husband, and I think, this is my life now and I really do like it.
People change, time moves on, but I still get to remember some good, some bad, but all the memories that have brought me here to this life that I now live. And I can still smile after it all.
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