On Christianity...

I woke up at 4 this morning and still haven't fallen back to sleep. I am exhausted, but so many thoughts are going through my mind so what better way to get them out but blog! So here I am with my favorite cup of Moroccan mint tea and my favorite throw on my favorite chair doing my favorite thing-writing:)The bonus is, it's early so the kids aren't awake to interrupt me!
Last night, Nathan and I had what I like to call a spirit-led discussion. It was one of those discussions that just leave you thinking and thinking. Ever since we've been married, both of us have had our ups and downs with God and Christianity. Neither of us were really traveling the straight and narrow when we exchanged vows, and now almost four years later, we're back on the path, but not without a few bumps and twists and turns. It was easy for me to continue a relationship with God where I left off pretty much, but it's been a lot harder for Nathan and for awhile I was even questioning if he was, in fact, saved. It's not my place to say whether he is or isn't or to judge him, but I had so many pent up feelings about whether he was or wasn't. Some fights were based around this topic, and I see how I was in the wrong to even question him. That is between him and God. So last night before bed, the Holy Spirit led us into another discussion about what religion and Christianity really mean. What does it mean to be a Christian?? I think that's an age old question that comes with differing opinions, views, and theories. Nathan and I both grew up pretty sheltered and in similarly-run households. However, after my dad passed away and I went through a hell of a summer, I met Jesus for the first (real) time. I was 17 and decided to give my heart and everything to Him. Thankfully my mom and step-dad were excellent examples of what being a Christian is, which, I believe is having a relationship with the Lord. (Simply put). Of course that leads to, what does having a relationship with Him look like? Is it going to church every week, reading your Bible everyday, praying continually? While all these things are nice and good, I don't think that's what it is. To me, it's having an on-going relationship with Him whether you do those things or not. To be sure, doing those things will keep the relationship stronger (and keep you fed) and that is so important, but so many times Christians turn these things into good works you do so God will be pleased with you, or sometimes even chores. Being a Christian is having a healthy relationship with your Father, the God who created you to do just that. So what does a "healthy" relationship look like? Imagine your closest friend or parent, or anyone you can go to about anything no matter what it is. For me, that is my mom. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can talk to her about everything-good, bad, and ugly. She is always there for me to support me, give me advice, listen to me, love me, hug me, cry with me, and laugh with me whenever I go to her. I trust her completely because I know she loves me through and through. Our relationship is one that few have with their own mothers (or fathers) but having this, I am able to see how God wants a connection with me just like that. And that, is what Christianity is all about. I think for me it's been easier of a road to get back on because I have that earthly relationship. Nathan struggles, and I have to just be here to support him, but thank God that he is still desiring to have a relationship with Him. Our discussion last night definitely was an eye opener and a reminder to me that even if we fail God, or feel like we can't go to Him because of our past, our sins, our mistakes, He desires above anything else to connect with us beyond church and beyond our own misconceptions of who He really is.
So Nathan and I continue our journey together-often times at different speeds, but I know we're both going the same way and that means the world to me. :D

Happy Birthday Hallie!

Three years ago, my heart was stolen by a precious little girl that arrived into this world five weeks early. Although she was premature, our Hallah Anne weighed a whopping 6lbs 11oz and was perfectly healthy:) Some of the events surrounding her birth weren't the best and I was wondering why I was having a child when my own life was a mess. I was scared, I felt alone, and my marriage was on the rocks. When I looked into her beautiful chunky face, I knew that my life had to get better for her.
I couldn't believe how perfect she was. She was an absolute doll (and still is)! She has taught me to love unconditionally and she's kept me practicing my patience. Three years and our little family has come a long way. By the grace of God, we are a happy family (with ups and downs of course), and our Hallie is growing into an amazing, sweet, compassionate girl. I can't begin to describe how in love with her I am!

Our Hallah:)











Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl!! I love you so much and are praying that you grow into a strong, independent, godly woman someday!

Love Always, mama

Advent Calendar! It's That Time of the Year!

This year, I decided to make an Advent Calendar! It turned out quite nice I think and I am excited to fill it with goodies and introduce Hallah and Nathaniel to this great tradition:) My family does it every year, and I love that we can pass this tradition on!

Now that it's made, I have finally gotten a list of scriptures, and some great, fun ideas to put in the boxes. A lot of people have been asking what to put in the boxes and so here's a list of scriptures and ideas that I wanted to share:)

Day 1: Isaiah 7:14
Day 2: Isaiah 9:6-7
Day 3: Isaiah 32:1
Day 4: Isaiah 40:30
Day 5: Isaiah 42:6
Day 6: Isaiah 52:7
Day 7: Malachi 3:1
Day 8: Luke 1:67-75
Day 9: Luke 1:26-38

Day 10: Luke 1:39-45
Day 11: Luke 1:46-55
Day 12: Matthew 1:18
Day 13: Matthew 1:19
Day 14: Matthew 1:22-24
Day 15: Luke 2:1-6
Day 16: Luke 2:7
Day 17: Luke 2:8-14
Day 18: Luke 2:15-20
Day 19: Luke 2:21
Day 20: Luke 2:22-32
Day 21: Luke 2:33-35
Day 22: Matthew 2:1-6
Day 23: Matthew 2:7-12
Day 24: 2 Corinthians 9:15 (we're going to have Hallah eventually memorize this one)
Day 25: Matthew 2:13-15

Activities/Crafts:
Make a puzzle wreath, decorate Christmas cookies, make a gingerbread house, family night out with dinner and Christmas shopping, play Christmas charades, bake a birthday cake for Jesus, drive (or walk) around neighborhood to look at Christmas lights, watch a favorite Christmas movie, make homemade hot chocolate, string popcorn, make homemade Christmas cards, give blankets, etc. to a homeless shelter, volunteer in a soup kitchen, visit the elderly in a nursing home, go Christmas caroling, call up a relative you haven't talked to in a long time and wish them Merry Christmas, go see a Christmas movie in the theater, go to a Christmas play/ballet.

Along with some of these ideas, I will be putting some small candies in some of the boxes as well to make it extra special:)

Well there you go!! Hope you enjoyed this blog!

My Bag of Memories

I haven't blogged in too long. I guess there's no particular reason why, except that I haven't had much inspiration lately. However, that changed today as I was digging through my closet getting rid of old clothes. So you could say my closet has given me inspiration! How, you wonder?
Well you see, buried in my closet is a gift bag. I know it sounds strange, but I've had this bag for ten years. Most of the time I forget it's there, and don't even think about it, but it turns up when I'm digging through my closet. Like today. And then, I remember. I remember many things that this particular bag has a way of bringing up. In this bag I keep old letters and pictures from years and years and years ago; some from old friends, and a few from my dad who passed away twelve years ago. I can't help but read them every time, and usually I will sit and cry for an hour while going through everything. But today was different. As I was remembering the past, I couldn't help but think about today. What my life is now and how everyone in my past, whether still in my life or not, God used in some way to put me where I am today.
When I was a little girl, I absolutely loved animals. I was so in love with animals, and had a very soft spot in my heart for them. My dad didn't share the same love that I had with them, and I remember writing him a letter telling him that he was cruel for not letting me keep some abandoned kitten. I didn't understand why he was like that. He wrote a letter back to me that, after fifteen years or so, and me having kids and getting married, I truly understand now, and I appreciate what he was trying to get across to me at that young age. He said that he liked animals, but he loved his fellow human beings more, and so many people, if they see a hurt or abandoned animal, will go out of their way to comfort and feed it, and take it in. But those same people, upon seeing someone who is down on their luck or homeless, will take no thought or action in helping that person. I didn't understand when he wrote that so many years ago, but today, my passion is serving the less fortunate and showing compassion to the underdog and the weak. Little did I think that his words would have such a huge impact on me, and now, although I had some bitterness in my heart toward him, I can see that he was a compassionate man (in his own way)...and he wanted me to share that compassion with others and not just a cute, cuddly kitten.
When I was sixteen, I met and fell in love with a boy. He was my first love, and we wrote so many letters back and forth to each other. I didn't keep them all, but I did keep a few and they are some that are kept in my gift bag. Today, I laughed to myself while reading a couple of them, because at sixteen, you are so young and naive, yet you don't think so. I thought the future was ours. We were talking about getting married after high school, having a family together, and never letting each other go. How different life turns out. I keep a picture of us from our Sadie Hawkins and a couple from our winter formal, and I sigh when I look at them just because if I could stay young and naive like that forever, I would now. I think about Hallah and, even though she is only two years old right now, I want to be able to teach her to guard her heart closely, to live life to the fullest, and if she does fall in love with a boy at sixteen, to realize that years change things and people don't stay the same. I don't regret being young and having a boyfriend, and I look back at that time with happiness. I learned so much from him, but thankfully my mom was always there to keep my head (and heart) on right so I wouldn't get myself in too deep although I sometimes did anyway. I will be able to share my experiences with Hallah when she gets there, and hopefully she will be able to learn from my past.
Fast forward to six years ago. I met another boy and this one broke my heart. The letters I kept to remind me that good does come from bad situations. We were two young adults with differing moral values. On again, off again love-hate relationship I guess you could say. I knew who I was, he didn't. I was so sure about life, and he was so unsure. It was a match not made in heaven for sure. But, I gave him my heart. In the end, it didn't work out, but something else did. If not for him, Nathan would never have called me, and we would have never fallen in love. I wouldn't experience some of the joys that my husband has given me, or some of the mistakes that have made me appreciate life and him so much more. When we have our rough times, I try to remember the days we were talking on the phone and I realized that he was my other half. After getting my heart broken, he was an angel to me. So, I read those letters today and half smiled because I am now living in the bigger picture.
Nope, there were no tears today. My life is what it is, and I am enjoying it. Yeah, marriage gets hard and we have to work at it. Yeah, it still hurts sometimes that I'm not able to talk to my dad and have some closure with him. Sometimes I do want to go back to being young and innocent, but there are more times now, that I stop for a second amidst the screaming baby, my crazy two year old, the obnoxious dogs, and my needy husband, and I think, this is my life now and I really do like it.
People change, time moves on, but I still get to remember some good, some bad, but all the memories that have brought me here to this life that I now live. And I can still smile after it all.

Soulful Soul Searching

Some things are meant to be understood, but there's some things that aren't. And then there are those things that take time to understand, but if you're patient, they reveal the truth and the whole picture. I guess I am going through a time in which I need to be patient to see the whole picture in order to understand the dynamics of the situation.
In the past week, I've been thinking a lot about myself. Kind of digging deep and really searching my heart. I want to know who I really am on the inside and the kind of person I portray to others. I know who I want to be, and in time I am sure I will reach that. Right now, I am a bit short of that goal. It's been too easy for me to look at my faults and see what's wrong with me. The reality is, it's difficult for me to see the potential I have and focus on that. If there was ever anyone critical of herself, it's me. I don't have enough faith in myself to make the potential part of me actually happen, or I focus on others and see the capacity they have and help them along to reach their full potential when, what I really need to do is focus on my own self.
Some have said that I am too nice or that I let others use me too much or that I don't stand up for myself. All of which are in part, true. I suppose there's a such thing as being "too nice", and I know people do use me (and I let them), and, the truth is, I'm too nice and shy to truly stand up for what I want. So I guess this soul-searching has brought about the age old question: Why am I like this? When did I become someone who no longer believes in herself or the capability that God has put within me? When did I lose sight of who I truly am on the inside?
I often think about the relationships I have with my close friends and family. I know what others and myself say about them, but I can't help but wonder what they say about me. Who do they say I am? Is it who I think I am? Those questions pale in comparison to what I should be asking: Who does God say I am?
I believe He has given me a compassionate, sympathetic heart for a reason other than to let others use it and then trample on it. I know He has made me this way for a purpose, and right now the God-given potential lies dormant somewhere, waiting to be revealed and used properly. I want to be a different person; I want to be a wife that my husband is proud of, and a mother that my children can look up to. I believe the way to reach that, is to unveil my true identity and focus on the God-given gifts that have been hidden away for far too long. And also, to be more assertive. I guess this is going to be quite the journey, but thankfully for me, I have a husband who is by my side to encourage me, and I have children that inspire me to want to be better for them, but mostly I have a God who will never leave me or forsake me. And that's all I need to succeed.
In time, the picture will reveal itself and I will truly understand all of the struggles I had to endure, all the steps that had to be taken in order to get to where I need to be.

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
--Howard Thurman

It's a new me...(after 6 months)!

About four months ago, I began feeling a pain in my right side after eating a big or greasy meal. I went to the doctor and he immediately said it was my gallbladder which was what I expected. (I had done research myself). He basically told me that my only option was to have it removed. Well, I wasn't about to resort to having a part of me taken out if I could help it so I decided to switch up my diet. I watched everything I ate and was doing really well until about a month ago when the pain never went away one day. I ate the right foods, I didn't eat too much, but it was still there. So I tried not eating. That didn't work either, so I resorted to living with the pain day to day. I felt like a failure with my children because I never had the energy or strength to take care of them like I should have, and everyday my husband came home to a very angry wife which strained our marriage quite a bit. I began to resent my life and my body, which wasn't what I wanted. For quite some time, I had been suspecting that the pain in my gallbladder had been triggered by the IUD I had gotten about six weeks after Nathaniel was born. I talked to my doctor about it and he said it was highly unlikely but not impossible but that I should wait until after I had it in for six months before deciding to have it removed. About a month after having it in, I also noticed my hair was starting to come out a ton. I knew I had just had a baby and that hair often falls out after, but before I had gotten the IUD it wasn't falling out as much. I talked to my doctor about this also and he said it wasn't from the birth control. I wasn't convinced. I started noticing a lot of strange things that I had never experienced before such as my spinal cord would start aching after standing up for so long, and I began getting a strange tingling numbing sensation in my left shoulder and sometimes it would travel down my back. I started thinking that something is seriously wrong with me. I didn't know what to do, but Nathan and I both agreed that I needed to have the IUD removed. It was getting to the point where I just couldn't function properly without being on a ton of ibuprofen every four hours. I needed my life back!! I finally got it removed and almost immediately afterward, I felt a change. The pain in my back disappeared, the numbing sensation began to leave, and the next day my side didn't hurt at all. No matter what I ate. YAY!!!! Also, my hair has stopped coming out a ton, now it's just normal, and I can function and do things I wasn't able to do the past six months. I am so ecstatic! It's like I have a new lease on life, and I will never again go back to having synthetic hormones placed in my body. Although now there will be a slight larger chance of us getting pregnant. I would rather be pregnant though, then go through what I went through! Anyways, I'm myself again and couldn't be happier. I am still going to watch what I eat now that I know for sure I do have problems with my gallbladder, but at least I won't have to have it removed for now:)

Three years and counting...

Nathan and I celebrated our three year anniversary this past month and we were blessed by his family with a one night get-away to the beach! We are both crazy about the ocean so we were both so excited to get away even if it was for just one night. I wouldn't have wanted to leave Nathaniel more than that anyways:) We really needed a time of reflection and looking back on the past few years without being distracted by kids or phone calls or demands that life has kindly interfered us with. We enjoyed talking about our future while walking along the windy beach, and we especially had a fun time tide-pooling together! Newport Beach has a very nice waterfront bay and we enjoyed shopping and wine tasting and looking at art. There's always something comforting in knowing that we still have at least some common interests! All in all it was a great two days, and I came home rejuvenated and ready to resume my motherly and wifely role. Hopefully that short break will hold me until the next one!

Newport Beach, OR


Our view


Us on the beach