A Slice of Humble Pie

Last night I fell asleep pondering what it is to truly be humble. This morning, I woke up with an answer.
God has been leading me to this revelation now for two years, but just in the past few weeks have I been searching my own heart and asking Him to give me a spirit of humility and humbleness. I've always been a stubborn, very prideful girl. My family will testify of that because I always had to be right growing up. It was my way or the highway and so many times I would find myself in trouble because of it. When I was seventeen, my knowledge of the Lord grew, but that only fueled my self-righteous attitude. When I served in Peru, my understanding of the Lord became more clear, and I became humbled but only for a time. Even after my experience there, I came back to the United States with a bigger world view, but eventually my old ways set back in and I went back to a self-righteous state of mind. My relationships suffered, not just with the boys that I dated, but with my family and friends as well. I became a hypocrite in every sense of the word. I used people, deceived people, and all this to make myself look good. To hide from what I really was inside. Then two years ago, everyone close to me found out that I really wasn't all that and a bag of chips. The Lord unveiled who I was, and although it was embarrassing, it still didn't truly bring me to my knees in complete humility. I made things right the best I could, and I was very ashamed and sorry, but God wanted more of me. I still wasn't acting in complete humility to Him. I was humble to everyone I had affected, but I didn't have the slightest idea of what it meant to submit to Him on a daily basis. For the first year and a half of my marriage, I clung to my husband when I should have been clinging to God. Then, he was involved in an accident and almost died and I realized that people can evaporate in a second, and who am I to wholly trust my happiness to someone besides the Lord? It was during that incident that God really revealed to me my flaws, my mistakes, myself. I fell to my knees. I didn't want to put my trust in someone that could so easily slip away anymore. I had no choice but to give everything to Him, including my marriage. He brought me under His subjection, His rule. It's been a daily struggle ever since then to not go back to my self-righteous days of making myself look good. I have to turn to Him every single day for help, and some days I still fail. So last night, I fell asleep pondering all of this, and wondering if I had finally reached a state of true humility in my own life. I drifted off searching my heart and questioning the Lord. Sometime during the night, I received the answer. Maybe it was in a dream that I don't remember, I don't know. All I know is that when I opened my eyes early this morning, this thought came into my mind: Do not be concerned about being humble. Be concerned about letting God change and mold you every second of everyday, because that's where you first begin to learn humility, is on your knees, looking up.
So many of us think that humility is serving others, submitting to others, yielding to others. And while yes, that is humility, true humility is first serving God, submitting to God, and yielding to God. We can get so carried away with self-righteous acts of service that soon that's all they become. Acts. By first humbling ourselves before God, we are admitting that He comes first, He is in control. And we relinquish our sense of power, our pride, our domineering selves.
Now, I can honestly say that I know what it is to be humble; to act in humility. It's a lesson that took me so long to learn, and yet, was so simple.
I write this blog out of complete humility in the hopes that whoever is reading, may learn what I have and maybe won't have to go through the things that I had to in order to learn this valuable lesson. The way of the cross is hard, but the way of self is harder in the end and leads you down a much more dangerous road.

"What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God" -Monica Baldwin

The Adventure I'm Invited to Join

My husband and I just celebrated our two year anniversary, which started me thinking a lot about our love and reasons that I love him and choose to spend my life with him. It's been hard to pin-point exactly what made me choose him over anyone else, but I think I have finally figured it out. Of course there are many reasons I absolutely love my husband. I love that he has a wild side; that he is still such a kid at heart. I love how he can be serious one minute and the next minute have me rolling on the floor laughing. I love that he doesn't have all the answers, but pretends to on a daily basis. I love how compassionate he is and how, under his sometimes hard-to-get-to heart of his, I find that it really is a heart of gold. He is so independent, adventurous, crazy. You can't get to know him and who he is by just having one conversation with him because there are so many sides to him. Although there are so many amazing things that I adore about him, the one thing that made me choose him above anyone else, is that he invited me along for the adventure of a lifetime.
We have started reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge together. Although it's a book mostly directed to men, he also writes to the women who are reading as well, and I am surprised at how accurate he is about both men and women. It's a book that not only speaks to me, but also to my husband, who will rarely pick up a book unless it has something to do with war and killing. Go figure. So after dinner last night, we got comfortable on the bed and read the first chapter. And this is where I finally found my answer. Why did I choose him? The answer was in one paragraph. Eldredge writes:
"So many men make the mistake of thinking that the woman is the adventure. But that is where the relationship immediately goes downhill. A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself." (16)
After reading that paragraph, it suddenly dawned on me that that is why I married the man that I married. Of all the men that I have ever known, and the boys that I have dated, he was the one that invited me on an adventure with him. He didn't want to just get married and settle down. He wanted to create an adventure that would last a lifetime. His dreams and aspirations spoke to me and included me, and no one had ever invited me to go along or even shared in my dreams and goals. Although our timeline has changed due to life itself, he still sits me down every so often and asks me what I want to do and if my dreams have changed. We talk about ways to get where we want to be, and keep the dreams alive. It's sometimes harder for me because I am a stay-at-home mom, but he comes to me and talks to me and lets me know that our dreams are tangible and we won't stop pursuing them. He challenges me to do things that I am passionate about even though life does get in the way. He supports me and backs me up one hundred and ten percent when it comes to me reaching my own personal goals. I know that God knew what He was doing when He sent him my way, and although the circumstances at the time we married were a bit crazy, I know that God knew I needed my husband to remind me that as dull as life can sometimes be, there's always an adventure that needs to be sought after and you just can't let life get you down. In so many ways he has shown me God's heart and by inviting me along and joining him in the journey of life, I have opened up my heart more to the even bigger journey that God is calling me to with Him. I am so grateful we have made it two years, but I am more looking forward to the many more years I have to spend with my husband to grow closer to him, learn from him, and together, continue in our adventure that God has called both of us to.

"My lover is mine and I am his..." Song of Songs

Pregnancy insomnia...gotta love it!

Can't sleep...again. Pregnancy insomnia is just about the worst thing in my opinion. Almost halfway to the finish line, and I can't wait to be holding this little guy or girl in my arms. It's amazing how fast you get attached to someone you don't even know or haven't even seen. You dream about what he or she is going to be like, look like, and how their life is going to turn out. You only want what's best for them. I've often wondered how my own mother could love eight kids all with the same amount of love, and now I am learning. A mother's love has no boundaries, no limit. Mothers are beautiful pictures of who God is. They are nurturing, caring, and intuitive. Most would give up their own lives in a second to save their child's.
This is not the only thing on my mind tonight...I kept dreaming about some things that happened in my past, and I know it's Satan just trying to get to me again. I am really trying to leave a lot of stuff behind me, and the more determined I am, it feels like the devil is always more determined to not let me. There always seems to be something new; a phone call from an old friend, a text message, a dream...just something to remind me. I don't like to say that I'm being haunted by my past, but more so, I'm being challenged to not give in to the guilt, and the lies. So many people think that their past defines who they are as a person today, and I honestly don't believe that. I believe that my identity is in Christ and is still being molded from day to day. If I had lived my life the way I am now a few years ago, I would still be the same person, but I probably wouldn't have anxiety or high blood pressure! I believe God brings hardships to us to grow us spiritually, but my decisions alone do not define me as a person. If there is one thing I want my children to grow up believing, it is that.
I'm beginning to realize the importance of having godly influences in my life also. A few years ago, I would have probably told you it didn't matter, but really, it does. I prefer to be around those who are going to encourage me and my family, and who keep me spiritually accountable. This doesn't mean I won't be friends with those who are not, but right now in my life, it's more important that I am around uplifting people. I am in my mid-twenties and I don't know anything about everything, but I do believe that your twenties or at least while you're young should be the time that you establish and know who you are and what you believe as a person. I never want to stop growing spiritually, or think that I know everything right now because I don't. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or ten years from now; if I'm going to turn from God for a season again, or what. I don't want to ever turn from Him again, and I can say right now that I won't. But Peter said the exact thing in the Bible and afterwards he betrayed Jesus. I want to take one day at a time and let God lead me and continue to define me as a person.
The sun is beginning to rise and the birds are chirping and I haven't gotten much sleep tonight. My husband will be awake soon to go to work, and I will have another glorious day at home taking care of my little girl. Somehow, everything is alright now and I'm content with my life. Try to get me Satan...I promise you're not gonna win.

Inspired thoughts from a journal

This morning I was looking for some addresses that I stashed in one of my journals (and now cannot find), and as I was looking through each journal, I came across one that I hadn't read in quite some time. It was one I had written in during the four months I was in Lima, Peru six years ago. So much can change in six years, and so much has changed. It's amazing to me how simple life was back then. I didn't have a husband or a daughter to keep me here in the States and although my family was sad to see me go, it was very easy for me to pack up and leave my small home-town. Living in Peru was the best experience of my life so far. Sure, getting married and having a baby are life-changing and experiences like nothing else, but nothing tops the feeling of complete contentment when you're doing something you love, as well as fulfilling your calling and purpose in life and serving others. I loved how everything was so simple over there. By simple I mean that I had a goal, and I worked toward it and that's it. That was my life. It wasn't simple in an emotional and sometimes spiritual sense in any way. I was pulled and stretched by the Lord so much that I often would retreat to a secluded spot and fall on my knees and cry to Him. Questions poured out from the depths of my heart. Questions that never would have come to my mind in my small town in America. I witnessed things that are now etched into my memory. Lima became a part of me, and in a weird sense, still is. I still remember the faces of the street kids that we ministered to on a daily basis. I remember the smells of the streets, the smiles of strangers, the love that was poured on me by individuals who had never even been shown love by their own families. But what I remember most was the simplicity and the way time didn't really have a purpose. I was free to explore God's heart at a level that, since then, I haven't really been free to do. Life goes by so fast and there's always something to do, somewhere to go, a demand waiting on the other side. So does this now mean that I have no purpose in life? I believe I was born to be a missionary; to give hope to those who have none; to live in solidarity with the less fortunate. I married a man who is "bound" to his country in every sense of the word. I am bound to him. We have a growing family. I can't pack up and leave like I was so able to do when I was 18 years old. But that doesn't mean I no longer have a purpose. I will always be a missionary, and my purpose never has changed. Now I believe that I am to show my children the heart of God and lead them in the way that He has lit. I want them to grow up knowing what it is to have compassion for mankind and using that compassion to bring others to Christ. No matter where I'm at, or what situation I'm in, I'm a light for the Lord. I have a big responsibility to Him; much bigger than I've ever had before.


"If the message of the cross consisted simply in a series of theologically correct propositions about God, human beings, and salvation, then the obligation to preach the gospel could be fulfilled by means of a series of public announcements over the radio. But the Word must always be made flesh, and dwell among men. And the Way has always best been shown by those who can be accompanied by would-be pilgrims. A missionary is above all a Way-shower, whose life must be imitable by his converts. the missionary is not simply a voice box, but a pilgrim who invites others to join him on the narrow way."
-Johnathan J. Bonk, Missions and Money

The Bigger Picture

I haven't been keeping up on writing as much as I would like to. Life seems to get in the way of me doing things that I love sometimes. However, since I haven't posted a blog in awhile, this means that I may just have a lot more to say!
So, what's been on my mind? In two words, too much. I find myself having interesting conversations with friends and family these days. I try to stay away from drama, but I don't know what it is about me; drama seems to find me on its own. All I want is a simple life with my family and have some good friends to enjoy it with. Sure, I've made some mistakes in my past that I'm not proud of, but who hasn't? I'm blessed with a family who still accepts and loves me despite everything, but there are still those who don't, and that's fine too. But I'd rather not have the drama anymore. I've grown up, and I don't intend on playing stupid mind games anymore. I'm used to losing people and I'm not one to keep you in my life if you're going to play the blame game. I've had a crazy past two years; heck, I've had a crazy past five years! For a time, I was only thinking about myself. I didn't care what others thought and in the process I hurt a lot of people. But I grew up and changed. My life doesn't consist of myself anymore; instead I am focused on doing everything to the glory of God and raising my kids to do the same. I have a very supportive husband; I thank God for him everyday. He encourages me to be the person I want to be and he helps me as I strive for my goal. I don't want anyone in my life that is going to try to break my family down or apart. When I think of my family that my husband and I have built, I am proud. We have had our share of trials and tribulations, but by God's grace we are becoming a strong household. We are getting ready to make a move across the country, and while I am so excited to be closer to my family, I am still sad that I will have to leave the many godly women I have become so close to through my church. These women have encouraged me and been there for me and my family for a year and these are the influences I want to be around and my children to look up to. I am sure God will lead me to another awesome group of godly women, but I am still sad to be leaving these ones behind. I don't know what the future is going to hold, and quite frankly, I don't want to know. God promises that the future is in His hands and I don't have to worry. He has brought me so far in a little over a year's time, and I know that He is going to continue teaching me and I will continue growing in Him. Life is about change, not about drama. It's not about "he said-she said." I want to be a part of a bigger picture. There are so many people suffering in the this world, so many people with bigger problems than me and that's the bigger picture. It's God's picture.

Lazy Saturday Afternoon Thoughts

Well, here I am again. Alone on a Saturday, praying that the baby will take her nap soon. I'm tired, and a little sad. My husband left for the day to go to another shooting match. I have no use for his hobby to be quite honest, and it's one of those things that both sides of the family have disagreements about. I only don't like it because I'm not familiar with the sport. Shooting, in my opinion, is very manly, and I happen to be somewhat of a girly-girl. Not completely but given a choice to shoot a gun or get my nails done, I would go with the nails. A lot prettier and not so noisy. I know some girls like guns, and that's cool. I say whatever makes you happy. So anyways, I'm alone half sitting, half laying on the couch, feeling a little sick. It seems like I just wrote that blog about me not wanting another baby right now, and look what happened. Pregnant. Again. I'll have to make a mental note to myself not to voice something that I'm not ready for, although I know that the Lord will not give me anything I can't handle. I guess He saw that I was ready for this, and so, here we are. I've somewhat surprised myself at the way I've been handling it so far though. It was hard to hear that I am pregnant again when I just got down to my almost-normal size, and that I am a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding this summer, and I'll be fat again. I never felt qualified to be a mother the first time, and I still don't feel qualified, but this time, I think I am at a good place in my life at least. My relationship with God is strong, my husband and I have a good strong relationship, and I think it's gonna be good for our family. A definite challenge, but what's life if not one big challenge? Apart from all of this, I am just trying to take one day at a time...

To Great Conversations!

I love it when I have a good conversation with someone important to me. Tonight, I was able to talk to my mom on the phone for quite awhile! It was great because it brought back memories of when I was seventeen years old. Life was so simple. I could walk into her bedroom and we'd sit on her bed and talk about life. She asked me thought provoking questions about what I wanted to do with my life; sometimes we would just sit and read a magazine together and enjoy each others company. I miss those times so much.
My mom and I have always had a really good, close relationship. Amidst some devastating things that threatened to tear us apart, we have still managed to come through and stay close. It wasn't always easy by any means, and it usually involved a lot of prayer and talking to each other even when we didn't want to, to get through the hard times. But here we are--and tonight, we had a great conversation about life. It was one of those that when you finally hang up the phone, you look down and smile at your phone and think, that was good. Your heart is full, and you have to write a blog about it. At least I do anyways!
I often think that if I am half the mom my own mother is, I will be doing good. She is a strong, spiritual lady who never ceases to amaze me. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I am constantly taking down mental notes whenever I talk to her because she always has something new to enlighten me. She is forty-two years old and she is still expanding her mind and growing in wisdom. I guess that's one of the things I love most about her.
I could go on and on and on about how amazing and wonderful my mother is, but then I wouldn't have time to work on being that amazing and wonderful for my little girl. So for now, I will just say that I love having a great conversation with the best mom a girl could ask for.