Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

It's eleven o clock at night and I am exhausted. Both my husband and baby girl are sound asleep, but me? No. I have way too many thoughts bouncing around in my head, and when that happens I can forget about sleep. It's not every night I can't sleep due to unwanted thoughts; usually I put a movie on and fall asleep watching it and that keeps my mind from wandering. If you ever have trouble sleeping, try it. It works. Tonight I decided to succumb to the intruders and what the heck--it gives me something to write about. So what's on my mind tonight? Pretty much the same thing that's on my mind when I get to thinking. EVERYTHING. I was thinking about how I need to go shopping for some jeans so I can look good when my husband and I go out on a date this weekend; thinking about cleaning the house tomorrow, etc. And although those are things that I ponder often when I am trying to sleep (usually just tasks that need to get done), tonight there is something else on my mind. My dad. It's not very often he pops into my head, but sometimes he does, and it kinda bothers me. I am still haunted by his death, although he passed away ten years ago. I was fourteen years old and watched him waste away as the cancer took him. I never cry about it anymore; I simply think about all the details that I can remember, and try to remember as many as I can. I try to recall any moment in which he may have said something to me that I forgot about. I try to remember the good times we had, but tonight I can't seem to think of very many. I remember he always smelled like Old Spice aftershave and coffee. That's the one good thing that I can recall tonight, and the rest is painful memories of his last days.
Thinking about his death led to other thoughts of people I have known who have passed away. Friends in Peru, friends here, family. It seems to be a morbid subject, but from my perspective, it will be one big reunion in Heaven!
Now, that's not the only thing that's on my mind tonight. One thing that I have been thinking about not just at night, is having another baby. My husband wants another one so badly, and well, I just don't feel up to the task. I love my daughter more than anything and I would love for her to have a sibling to grow up with, but I guess it just boils down to the fact that I'm scared of failing. See, I figure the more we have, the more I let down. It's hard enough feeling terrible when I realize I'm doing something wrong with my little girl, but add one or two or three more and I just get dizzy thinking about it. I have been trying to give this area up to God, and it's been just a little difficult for me because I want to be in control. I want to do things my way, and what I think is right for me. I guess I'm being selfish, and I don't want to be, but I am human. I do need to give this one up to the Lord because man, I'm having trouble with it!
Well, it's just about midnight and my eyelids are slowly drooping. Now that all of my thoughts are out of my head, hopefully I will be able to sleep.

Why art thou downcast O my soul? Hope thou in God, for I shall yet praise Him who is the help of my countenance and my God. (From Ps. 42)