A Slice of Humble Pie

Last night I fell asleep pondering what it is to truly be humble. This morning, I woke up with an answer.
God has been leading me to this revelation now for two years, but just in the past few weeks have I been searching my own heart and asking Him to give me a spirit of humility and humbleness. I've always been a stubborn, very prideful girl. My family will testify of that because I always had to be right growing up. It was my way or the highway and so many times I would find myself in trouble because of it. When I was seventeen, my knowledge of the Lord grew, but that only fueled my self-righteous attitude. When I served in Peru, my understanding of the Lord became more clear, and I became humbled but only for a time. Even after my experience there, I came back to the United States with a bigger world view, but eventually my old ways set back in and I went back to a self-righteous state of mind. My relationships suffered, not just with the boys that I dated, but with my family and friends as well. I became a hypocrite in every sense of the word. I used people, deceived people, and all this to make myself look good. To hide from what I really was inside. Then two years ago, everyone close to me found out that I really wasn't all that and a bag of chips. The Lord unveiled who I was, and although it was embarrassing, it still didn't truly bring me to my knees in complete humility. I made things right the best I could, and I was very ashamed and sorry, but God wanted more of me. I still wasn't acting in complete humility to Him. I was humble to everyone I had affected, but I didn't have the slightest idea of what it meant to submit to Him on a daily basis. For the first year and a half of my marriage, I clung to my husband when I should have been clinging to God. Then, he was involved in an accident and almost died and I realized that people can evaporate in a second, and who am I to wholly trust my happiness to someone besides the Lord? It was during that incident that God really revealed to me my flaws, my mistakes, myself. I fell to my knees. I didn't want to put my trust in someone that could so easily slip away anymore. I had no choice but to give everything to Him, including my marriage. He brought me under His subjection, His rule. It's been a daily struggle ever since then to not go back to my self-righteous days of making myself look good. I have to turn to Him every single day for help, and some days I still fail. So last night, I fell asleep pondering all of this, and wondering if I had finally reached a state of true humility in my own life. I drifted off searching my heart and questioning the Lord. Sometime during the night, I received the answer. Maybe it was in a dream that I don't remember, I don't know. All I know is that when I opened my eyes early this morning, this thought came into my mind: Do not be concerned about being humble. Be concerned about letting God change and mold you every second of everyday, because that's where you first begin to learn humility, is on your knees, looking up.
So many of us think that humility is serving others, submitting to others, yielding to others. And while yes, that is humility, true humility is first serving God, submitting to God, and yielding to God. We can get so carried away with self-righteous acts of service that soon that's all they become. Acts. By first humbling ourselves before God, we are admitting that He comes first, He is in control. And we relinquish our sense of power, our pride, our domineering selves.
Now, I can honestly say that I know what it is to be humble; to act in humility. It's a lesson that took me so long to learn, and yet, was so simple.
I write this blog out of complete humility in the hopes that whoever is reading, may learn what I have and maybe won't have to go through the things that I had to in order to learn this valuable lesson. The way of the cross is hard, but the way of self is harder in the end and leads you down a much more dangerous road.

"What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God" -Monica Baldwin

The Adventure I'm Invited to Join

My husband and I just celebrated our two year anniversary, which started me thinking a lot about our love and reasons that I love him and choose to spend my life with him. It's been hard to pin-point exactly what made me choose him over anyone else, but I think I have finally figured it out. Of course there are many reasons I absolutely love my husband. I love that he has a wild side; that he is still such a kid at heart. I love how he can be serious one minute and the next minute have me rolling on the floor laughing. I love that he doesn't have all the answers, but pretends to on a daily basis. I love how compassionate he is and how, under his sometimes hard-to-get-to heart of his, I find that it really is a heart of gold. He is so independent, adventurous, crazy. You can't get to know him and who he is by just having one conversation with him because there are so many sides to him. Although there are so many amazing things that I adore about him, the one thing that made me choose him above anyone else, is that he invited me along for the adventure of a lifetime.
We have started reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge together. Although it's a book mostly directed to men, he also writes to the women who are reading as well, and I am surprised at how accurate he is about both men and women. It's a book that not only speaks to me, but also to my husband, who will rarely pick up a book unless it has something to do with war and killing. Go figure. So after dinner last night, we got comfortable on the bed and read the first chapter. And this is where I finally found my answer. Why did I choose him? The answer was in one paragraph. Eldredge writes:
"So many men make the mistake of thinking that the woman is the adventure. But that is where the relationship immediately goes downhill. A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself." (16)
After reading that paragraph, it suddenly dawned on me that that is why I married the man that I married. Of all the men that I have ever known, and the boys that I have dated, he was the one that invited me on an adventure with him. He didn't want to just get married and settle down. He wanted to create an adventure that would last a lifetime. His dreams and aspirations spoke to me and included me, and no one had ever invited me to go along or even shared in my dreams and goals. Although our timeline has changed due to life itself, he still sits me down every so often and asks me what I want to do and if my dreams have changed. We talk about ways to get where we want to be, and keep the dreams alive. It's sometimes harder for me because I am a stay-at-home mom, but he comes to me and talks to me and lets me know that our dreams are tangible and we won't stop pursuing them. He challenges me to do things that I am passionate about even though life does get in the way. He supports me and backs me up one hundred and ten percent when it comes to me reaching my own personal goals. I know that God knew what He was doing when He sent him my way, and although the circumstances at the time we married were a bit crazy, I know that God knew I needed my husband to remind me that as dull as life can sometimes be, there's always an adventure that needs to be sought after and you just can't let life get you down. In so many ways he has shown me God's heart and by inviting me along and joining him in the journey of life, I have opened up my heart more to the even bigger journey that God is calling me to with Him. I am so grateful we have made it two years, but I am more looking forward to the many more years I have to spend with my husband to grow closer to him, learn from him, and together, continue in our adventure that God has called both of us to.

"My lover is mine and I am his..." Song of Songs

Pregnancy insomnia...gotta love it!

Can't sleep...again. Pregnancy insomnia is just about the worst thing in my opinion. Almost halfway to the finish line, and I can't wait to be holding this little guy or girl in my arms. It's amazing how fast you get attached to someone you don't even know or haven't even seen. You dream about what he or she is going to be like, look like, and how their life is going to turn out. You only want what's best for them. I've often wondered how my own mother could love eight kids all with the same amount of love, and now I am learning. A mother's love has no boundaries, no limit. Mothers are beautiful pictures of who God is. They are nurturing, caring, and intuitive. Most would give up their own lives in a second to save their child's.
This is not the only thing on my mind tonight...I kept dreaming about some things that happened in my past, and I know it's Satan just trying to get to me again. I am really trying to leave a lot of stuff behind me, and the more determined I am, it feels like the devil is always more determined to not let me. There always seems to be something new; a phone call from an old friend, a text message, a dream...just something to remind me. I don't like to say that I'm being haunted by my past, but more so, I'm being challenged to not give in to the guilt, and the lies. So many people think that their past defines who they are as a person today, and I honestly don't believe that. I believe that my identity is in Christ and is still being molded from day to day. If I had lived my life the way I am now a few years ago, I would still be the same person, but I probably wouldn't have anxiety or high blood pressure! I believe God brings hardships to us to grow us spiritually, but my decisions alone do not define me as a person. If there is one thing I want my children to grow up believing, it is that.
I'm beginning to realize the importance of having godly influences in my life also. A few years ago, I would have probably told you it didn't matter, but really, it does. I prefer to be around those who are going to encourage me and my family, and who keep me spiritually accountable. This doesn't mean I won't be friends with those who are not, but right now in my life, it's more important that I am around uplifting people. I am in my mid-twenties and I don't know anything about everything, but I do believe that your twenties or at least while you're young should be the time that you establish and know who you are and what you believe as a person. I never want to stop growing spiritually, or think that I know everything right now because I don't. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or ten years from now; if I'm going to turn from God for a season again, or what. I don't want to ever turn from Him again, and I can say right now that I won't. But Peter said the exact thing in the Bible and afterwards he betrayed Jesus. I want to take one day at a time and let God lead me and continue to define me as a person.
The sun is beginning to rise and the birds are chirping and I haven't gotten much sleep tonight. My husband will be awake soon to go to work, and I will have another glorious day at home taking care of my little girl. Somehow, everything is alright now and I'm content with my life. Try to get me Satan...I promise you're not gonna win.