A Year in the Life

My baby girl just turned a year old recently which has started me thinking a lot about time. The Broadway musical Rent comes to mind with the song Seasons of Love. "How do you measure a year in the life?"
I can think back to a time when the only thing that mattered was me. It seems like such a long time back. I got married almost two years ago. I was 22 years old, far too young. My way of thinking was very selfish and I thought that if I could just be married, I could get out of the town I was living in, away from everything and I could live happily ever after. I'm good at running away. It's one thing that my dad taught me to do. He would come home from work and escape to his office and stay there until we were in bed almost asleep. I learned early on that my wants weren't important to my dad and, because there were so many kids to take care of, I often retreated to my own world where everything was perfect and I was someone who mattered. Now, all this to say, my childhood was by far so much better than a lot of childhoods. I was never abused, my mother loved me unconditionally, my dad stayed with my mom despite everything and I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and clothes on my back. By the time I was twelve years old, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a missionary in Africa. I dreamed of leaving my very small hometown and going on wonderful safaris through the jungles and plains of the African land. That dream never left, and when I turned eighteen years old, I decided it was time to pursue it. I did, only not to Africa. I ended up in Lima, Peru, which was quite alright with me. Volunteering my time has never been so satisfying. I was there for four months and I still remember the day I got off the plane like it was yesterday. I wasn't running away from anything-I was simply fulfilling my calling and following my heart and I had the best and most challenging four months of my life. My family moved to Washington state shortly after I returned home, and I let time get the better of me. One of my worst faults is my impatience and it seemed like I was falling behind because I had so many friends who were settling down, getting married and having babies. I had no desire to go to college. Never had. And then I met the boy. The boy that I married. Our relationship was so complicated it would take a whole book to write about that one, but somehow we ended up married. My soldier. Both of us 22 years old and far too young. Of course we didn't care. Who cares about what the future is going to bring when you're "in love?" You never stop to think about the fact that he is going to disappoint you somehow, sometime, and you're going to do the same to him. You don't realize that life is going to be just the same as before, only now you have to work on a committed relationship and choose to love this person after the feelings of having a crush on this person go away. You only think about now, and fantasize about what you don't know. I have never regretted our decision to marry. I have questioned myself, but who doesn't? I love him. Regardless of everything, I love that man. And he loves me. Boy, does he love me. So it's been almost two years. Our daughter is a year old. Having a child was similar to getting married. I fantasized about what I didn't know; I never realized how much of myself I would have to give away. Everything. Not just my time, but my dreams, my heart, my whole life. It has been a year and I am still adjusting to putting my whole life on hold for this one little person. This little girl who wakes me up in the middle of a perfectly good sleep because she's ready to play; who I have to train to be a godly, respectful member of society; who I will eventually have to let go so she can live out her dreams and make decisions on her own. I will disappoint her sometimes, and her me. I will have to choose to love her despite everything.
It seems like such a long time ago I was a little girl myself hiding in my own private world away from reality. It feels like yesterday that I was stepping off the plane to an exciting new culture. It seems like a lifetime since I began traveling the marriage and new mom road. Through the years I've learned that sometimes it's not good to run away, and although I may not always feel important, I am. My dreams may be on the back burner right now, but that doesn't mean time has escaped me. So the question remains, "How do you measure a year in the life?" My answer? If you don't know by now, read again. It's in there.

Ice Cream for the Blues

My comfort food is definitely ice cream. I know that ice cream is already a comfort food to many people, but for me, it really really is. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't eat a lot of it, and I rarely want it. However, when I am lonely, sad, or confused, I find the need for it to be in my freezer. Even if I don't eat it. So tonight is one of those nights and of course, there's no ice cream in the house. What to do except drive to the store and buy some. I kept thinking, "Do I really want to bundle up the baby, get into the car, and drive all the way to the store?" The answer was indeed obvious. Of course. To me there was no other option. If I were genie, I could blink my eyes and poof, I'd have ice cream. If I were smart, I would have picked some up when I was grocery shopping the other day. Alas, I'm neither a genie, nor smart enough to think ahead. Bundle up and drive we did. In rush hour traffic. All I could see in my mind was a big bowl of ice cream. We get to the store, and to the ice cream aisle we went. I knew exactly what I wanted. Butter pecan, my absolute favorite. There it was, and as I was reaching in to grab it, my eye caught the Neopolitan flavor which looked just as good. What to do. I couldn't decide so I thought I would walk around and think it over. I picked up some other needed items and came back to the ice cream aisle. I still couldn't decide so I just grabbed them both. Back home we went. Now I am sitting here typing with ice cream in my freezer, trying to decide if I really want to eat it. I think I do. It's a lonely night. The baby is already down for the night, the house is cleaned, the laundry done, and my husband is still at work. It's just me. And the dog. And the ice cream in my freezer. Anyone who's ever had a night like this knows that it's okay to splurge in times like these. Besides, I had a salad for lunch. So here's to lonely nights, a delicious bowl of ice cream, and a People magazine to go along with it. That doesn't sound like such a bad time after all.

Little Lessons for the New Year!

I have to admit my favorite part of the day happens very early on. Sometimes I am awake, sometimes I am woken up. Sometimes I am still laying in bed, sometimes I am up and dressed and ready to start my day. Either way, it is always my favorite part of the day when I hear my baby girl laughing and playing in her crib. She tells me in her baby talk that she is ready to face the day. Why is that my favorite part of the day? I know it means that my quiet time to myself is over for at least another four or five hours, and I know that I can't go back to sleep even if I wanted to, but when I open the door to her room and see that huge smile on her face, even if I don't want to smile, how can I not? Her attitude every morning puts a gigantic smile even on my face! She kicks her legs with excitement as I reach over and pull her out of her crib, and as soon as her baby feet touch the floor she is off with an incredible amount of energy that never ceases to amaze me. She inspires me to be an optimist even when I want to be a pessimist.
As a new year starts (2010), I am making my own resolution based on my daughter's attitude to a new day. Yes, she is only 11 months old, and she hasn't lived and experienced some of the horrible things that happen in life. She doesn't have to clean the house, cook dinner, do loads and loads of laundry, or try to be a wife that her husband is proud to have by his side. She simply knows to wake up and smile at the day, because she doesn't know yet what it's going to bring, but she is excited to be awake! I know that my day will probably consist of the same thing it did the day before, cleaning, changing diapers, feeding people, etc. But I don't know; maybe if I would just wake up and smile at the day, I will be a lot more excited about doing even the mundane things that life has to offer. It's amazing the lessons such a little person can teach. I hope we all take lessons from even the smallest of people and everyone have a Happy New Year! Welcome 2010!