Inspired thoughts from a journal

This morning I was looking for some addresses that I stashed in one of my journals (and now cannot find), and as I was looking through each journal, I came across one that I hadn't read in quite some time. It was one I had written in during the four months I was in Lima, Peru six years ago. So much can change in six years, and so much has changed. It's amazing to me how simple life was back then. I didn't have a husband or a daughter to keep me here in the States and although my family was sad to see me go, it was very easy for me to pack up and leave my small home-town. Living in Peru was the best experience of my life so far. Sure, getting married and having a baby are life-changing and experiences like nothing else, but nothing tops the feeling of complete contentment when you're doing something you love, as well as fulfilling your calling and purpose in life and serving others. I loved how everything was so simple over there. By simple I mean that I had a goal, and I worked toward it and that's it. That was my life. It wasn't simple in an emotional and sometimes spiritual sense in any way. I was pulled and stretched by the Lord so much that I often would retreat to a secluded spot and fall on my knees and cry to Him. Questions poured out from the depths of my heart. Questions that never would have come to my mind in my small town in America. I witnessed things that are now etched into my memory. Lima became a part of me, and in a weird sense, still is. I still remember the faces of the street kids that we ministered to on a daily basis. I remember the smells of the streets, the smiles of strangers, the love that was poured on me by individuals who had never even been shown love by their own families. But what I remember most was the simplicity and the way time didn't really have a purpose. I was free to explore God's heart at a level that, since then, I haven't really been free to do. Life goes by so fast and there's always something to do, somewhere to go, a demand waiting on the other side. So does this now mean that I have no purpose in life? I believe I was born to be a missionary; to give hope to those who have none; to live in solidarity with the less fortunate. I married a man who is "bound" to his country in every sense of the word. I am bound to him. We have a growing family. I can't pack up and leave like I was so able to do when I was 18 years old. But that doesn't mean I no longer have a purpose. I will always be a missionary, and my purpose never has changed. Now I believe that I am to show my children the heart of God and lead them in the way that He has lit. I want them to grow up knowing what it is to have compassion for mankind and using that compassion to bring others to Christ. No matter where I'm at, or what situation I'm in, I'm a light for the Lord. I have a big responsibility to Him; much bigger than I've ever had before.


"If the message of the cross consisted simply in a series of theologically correct propositions about God, human beings, and salvation, then the obligation to preach the gospel could be fulfilled by means of a series of public announcements over the radio. But the Word must always be made flesh, and dwell among men. And the Way has always best been shown by those who can be accompanied by would-be pilgrims. A missionary is above all a Way-shower, whose life must be imitable by his converts. the missionary is not simply a voice box, but a pilgrim who invites others to join him on the narrow way."
-Johnathan J. Bonk, Missions and Money

The Bigger Picture

I haven't been keeping up on writing as much as I would like to. Life seems to get in the way of me doing things that I love sometimes. However, since I haven't posted a blog in awhile, this means that I may just have a lot more to say!
So, what's been on my mind? In two words, too much. I find myself having interesting conversations with friends and family these days. I try to stay away from drama, but I don't know what it is about me; drama seems to find me on its own. All I want is a simple life with my family and have some good friends to enjoy it with. Sure, I've made some mistakes in my past that I'm not proud of, but who hasn't? I'm blessed with a family who still accepts and loves me despite everything, but there are still those who don't, and that's fine too. But I'd rather not have the drama anymore. I've grown up, and I don't intend on playing stupid mind games anymore. I'm used to losing people and I'm not one to keep you in my life if you're going to play the blame game. I've had a crazy past two years; heck, I've had a crazy past five years! For a time, I was only thinking about myself. I didn't care what others thought and in the process I hurt a lot of people. But I grew up and changed. My life doesn't consist of myself anymore; instead I am focused on doing everything to the glory of God and raising my kids to do the same. I have a very supportive husband; I thank God for him everyday. He encourages me to be the person I want to be and he helps me as I strive for my goal. I don't want anyone in my life that is going to try to break my family down or apart. When I think of my family that my husband and I have built, I am proud. We have had our share of trials and tribulations, but by God's grace we are becoming a strong household. We are getting ready to make a move across the country, and while I am so excited to be closer to my family, I am still sad that I will have to leave the many godly women I have become so close to through my church. These women have encouraged me and been there for me and my family for a year and these are the influences I want to be around and my children to look up to. I am sure God will lead me to another awesome group of godly women, but I am still sad to be leaving these ones behind. I don't know what the future is going to hold, and quite frankly, I don't want to know. God promises that the future is in His hands and I don't have to worry. He has brought me so far in a little over a year's time, and I know that He is going to continue teaching me and I will continue growing in Him. Life is about change, not about drama. It's not about "he said-she said." I want to be a part of a bigger picture. There are so many people suffering in the this world, so many people with bigger problems than me and that's the bigger picture. It's God's picture.